Croissants are More Like Tacos Than Pizzas are. Trust me.

Author's Note: Upon arguing with a friend about the subject, I wrote up a brief precis of my argument upon the subject:

In discerning which food is more like the other, there are many factors we must consider. Most important in this inquiry is the fact that I, Christopher Dietler Plama, am always right, no matter what. Second, we must consider my ego: how bruised will it be if I am wrong? Seventh is the size, fourth and lastly, the volume of bread, sixth, the ethnic origins, ninth, the changeability of toppings, third, the preparation, and first, the serving size. Remember; if I were as tedious as a king, I would I could find it within my heart to bestow all my tediousness on you. (Remember Shakespeare?)
So now we come to our first valid point: the serving size. This crucial element for tacos and croissants is the same; they are each meant for only one person. The pizza, however, is meant for many. There are many foreign variants of the pizza that are meant for single people, but the average American pizza, large, is about 22.374 ± 0.236 feet across. In extenuating circumstances (such as last Saturday night at Dion’s), this may be for just one person, but rarely is that the case.
Next, we come to the size and shape of these fine dishes. You will notice upon rigorous inspection that most croissants and tacos are half-moon shaped, whereas pizzas are full moons. The likeness of the half-moon in the shaping of the croissant and the taco are very symbolic--almost as if they were made to be smashed together to make the full moon. Also, the taco and the croissant are rolled into their shape, where the pizza is flattened. Tacos and croissants folded over themselves, and while you could do this with a pizza, the difficulty involved in holding such a large food item folded would be too much work for most Americans.
The point may be made that singular pieces of pizza are much more like the Croissant than the whole pizza, but this argument is fatally flawed. The single piece of pizza is shaped much like a doorstop which (to the discerning viewer) is almost entirely unlike a half moon. The serving size is the only discernable similarity that gets heightened by separating the piece. While the slice is a smaller piece of food, the composition remains the same and therefore gains no similarity in that regard.
Scientific studies have shown that the volume of bread is quite different in these three food items. The croissant may seem bready, but have you ever squashed on one? They’re mostly air. The pizza, however, has a lot of bread which cannot be easily compressed. A crack team of physicists at the B.S. college of Arts and Sciences are working nearly round the clock to find the equations that govern the density/squashability of bread products. Their early results with pizzas, tacos, and croissants support my arguments almost to the letter.
The preparation and the changeability of toppings are inextricably interconnected. Tacos and croissants are prepared in a buffet style, but the pizza is baked with set toppings on it which cannot easily be changed after the baking process. It is easy to see the similarities between the taco and croissant: toppings are arrayed in front of the eater, and they may choose which ones to put on or take off. Pizza, on the other hand, is set in its toppings except for shakey cheese and pepper provided by most restaurants. Pizza also has a cheese/sauce base whereas tacos and croissants (stuffed croissants in this instance) have a meat or sometimes cheese base. They may both employ sauce, (salsa is a very good example) but the sauce is not a major or even a necessary part.
Lastly, the ethnic origins are very important. The taco is almost exclusively Mexican, the croissant is almost exclusively French, but the pizza is an odd hybrid. The American pizza is a cross of American, Italian, and French traditions (the best pizza I’ve ever had was in Paris). This conclusively proves that pizza, while a brilliant idea and blend of cultures, is ultimately a “mutt,” while the taco and croissant are “purebreads.” These two food philosophies are completely different, though one is no less valid than the other.
So, I hope that you begin to see my point: I am right all the time, so there’s no use arguing. In the end, I would like to acknowledge that pizza and tacos are far superior foods to plain croissants, and neither should be downgraded. The nearest Italian relative of the pizza to the croissant is the calzone which is considered in most circles to be a most excellent food. Let the truth be known.

So as you can see, Croissants are CLEARLY more like tacos than Pizzas are. My friend knows absolutely nothing about these intricate culinary matters. Thank you for your time.